9.45 am on the 14th of June was the exact moment when time ran out for Seth … for 33 days in May and June 2014 time had slipped away, far too quickly with a deafening sound.
12 years later the pain of loss is still as intense… it just isn’t there ALL of the time.
It is no longer all consuming, gnawing at my heart every second, tormenting my head with what could have been, supplying the ever-present tears which fell effortlessly from my eyes, eyes which longed to see Seth.
Today after 12 years the grief and loss are still raw, intense, and as painful as ever.
But each of those 12 years has helped me to make the jagged and searing pain of grief more rounded, still intensely hot with rage and anger at the injustice of pancreatic cancer.
The grief today remains but has been moulded and shaped by the passage of time.
Instead of being ever present it often creeps up on me.
Sometimes it zooms in, it arrives from nowhere at breakneck speed and takes away my breath.
Other times it creeps in slowly, arrives by stealth and completely depletes me, sucks away my energy and I have to submit to its power.
I have no control over it. I am a victim to grief, grief subsumes me ….my only control is my response to it.
As 9.45am approaches I sit with my memories, some tears, and the warmth of my unique relationship with Seth.
I am remembering Seth who was a kind, curious, funny, and loving man, a man of good intent, a just man … someone who always tried to do the right thing, a patient, compassionate and loving man.
A man I loved with all of my heart and that despite our separation…. a man I will love with all of my heart forever.
#sethslegacy
