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17th of December 2004 was my 40th birthday, a day to celebrate.

It was also the day I married the man that I loved with all my heart.

For nine years Seth and I celebrated my birthday and our wedding anniversary on the same day. That was, until 2014 when my 50th birthday was spent alone, and it was the first time our wedding anniversary instead of a time of joy became a time of great sadness.
For the past in six years 17th of December has been a date I dread; another year older, another year without Seth, another day that should be a celebration, another day that just isn’t.

Today it will be 16 years since I married Seth and I sit and reflect on how…….
I long to hear his voice,
to see his distinctive walk,
to hear his funny quips, jokes and mickey taking
and to know that sense of certainty there was that there was someone who would always be there for me.

But in 2014 Seth wasn’t always there for me, he wasn’t always looking out for me and he could no longer love me because pancreatic cancer killed him.

In 2014, when I came to December on my calendar Seth had written on 17th December “Shit Les, you are 50, old girl !!!!!”, today there is nothing written on my calendar but there is a realisation that “Shit I am 56 today !!”.

Everything changed on 14th June 2014……….But in some ways although everything changed one thing remains the same…. Seth I will love you with all of my heart forever………..happy anniversary